When God gives you the sight to see things and blesses you with multiple lenses to see it in multiple views it’s truly a blessing. I’m very blessed now that I have the sight to see things clearly and with a clear mind.

Learning how to keep my garden clean was a lesson for sure! Let me tell you how infested my garden was with weeds! MAN I had a huge job ahead of me. So, my (brain) the garden and infestation of weeds (life/pain/loss/dishonesty). I had to go through a whole lot of SELF LOVE to be where I’m at today. I am NOT close to being DONE by the way…

The magic of God’s grace and understanding he gives us to make mistakes as we learn from them. Then gives you a lenes to view it through another set of eyes so you can reflect on those mistake you made. Once you have the courage to correct the mistakes you will see that you are made without fear of judgement then you are ready to take on the world. We have to remember that God had a part in our lives, and was always there guiding us in the right direction…Otherwise I wouldn’t be here today!

Once you stop giving strangers the POWER to have any MEANING over your life, you will learn that their words truly don’t mean anything to you! It’s truly a beautifully and magnificent thing to see, live through, and witness. “JUST STOP CARING” Man do I have trouble with this one! Because I’m such a caring person! Trust me it wasn’t an easy process to go through but starting it is the first step to actually healing! Plus you have God by your side! Get a bing journal I love mine!

Starting with my roots was what helped me most. When you learn about where you’re from and who your ancestors are it helps you find the roots of who you are. What you were taught when you were young and why. The beliefs system you were taught. The abuse you did or didn’t receive. The abuse my parents received as children, and their past. Everything stems from the roots of who you are. I had to take everything into consideration.

So, I am now in the process of healing by using this method by books, therapy, podcasts, and journaling. By doing all these things I can clean the weeds in my garden. I can heal and change my mind set in a positive and effective way. The key is to CHANGE ANYTHING from your PAST that HURT you or if there is a CHAIN OF REPEATED EVENTS that you see happening in your life that keep causing you pain. Once you are HEALTHY enough to see the PATTERN you are ready to make the change!

Now during this process I did NOT go in order, my brain and path of healing just doesn’t work that way. I have started with the losses in my life because that started from a very young girl one of my deepest most painful root. Starting with my parent’s divorce before the age of 7. When your parents get divorces at a young age they always think it’s easier on the kids. Well in my case that didn’t happen…I was the middle of 3, yes, the unseen. So, I took the blame for their divorce for all these years. I eventually overcame that and realized I was a child and that it wasn’t my fault.

My losses kept coming in my life and God and I had conversations along the way on and off as a child. He was always there when I needed HIM. When my grandmother passed I was young, I understood that she was in Heaven with God. Once the funeral was over nobody hardly spoke of her anymore. It truly broke my heart like she was forgotten. When Papa passed it was the same thing, although he lived years past her. I take that back I remember a few times the brothers were all in town and they were talking about their parents at a family function (those are very rare)!

My uncle passing in my teen’s, Grandfather passing as a young adult, all these whom I was very close to as they all had a hand in raising me. You see I was never with my parents EVER they had new lives now that they were divorced right. So, the weekends I was supposed to spend with them they dropped me off with the grandparents!LOVE that for them…summer’s I lived with my grandparents. We would alternate weeks with them or months depending on who had plans.

I then was a terrible teenager because I wanted attention from the parents who ignored me and found new lives for themselves. Having selfish parents was definitely challenging as a child and teenager. I made the most stupid mistakes just because I wanted the attention of my parents. I still apologize till this day for the way I acted. To this day I am not respected by some family so I really don’t have a relationship with them. That’s the beauty of being able to choose who your family will be.

I married young and had children young because I had parents who didn’t care. So, I made my own family, I’m glad I had my children at a young age because this day and age I think I would be afraid to have children. Although my marriage wasn’t perfect we truly did the best we could everyday! He is and always be my best friend and love!

The losses kept coming I lost my Nana in Feb. 2019, I was able to say goodbye to her just before she passed and I visited her often. She was one of my husbands favorite people. I was at peace with her death. I felt like when she remembered me at the hospital that was a sign that she was saying goodbye. I can’t thank God enough for that visit. The chance to say goodbye is a gift.

When my husband passed in Aug. 2019. I again didn’t grieve because I had my children to care for. I couldn’t let them see that I was weak I had to show them that I was strong enough to do everything they needed so they could heal. It was the most difficult time of my life. I officially went numb. Moved home because I lost my home and everything we worked for. Then my father got sick and almost died (widow maker). He recovered stayed with me for about 2 years before we had to say our final goodbye. So, it really wasn’t till my father’s illness I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, fibromyalgia, and suicidal thoughts. That’s when I started getting help for myself because I was mentally ill.

It wasn’t easy to admit my illness but I know that I needed help because with all these pent up thoughts and emotions I was overwhelmed. When I lost my Daddy just before my birthday I was devastated. This broke me like no other. I felt so empty, lost, numb, and broken all over again. My depression took over and I kept so busy that I would often make myself sick. I still do that! Need to do better! I get myself so stressed out with stuff that it takes over my body and I lose control of my thoughts.

I know now how important it is for me to get the help that I need. To process all the loss I have been through and to know that I will only be stronger for it later. I have to THANK my PodCast friends “More than Small Talk” for this. If it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t have the courage to have done this or put this all together. It was MULTIPLE WOMEN and their WORDS and BOOKS who have SAVED me and I can’t thank them enough! When you don’t feel so alone in this world it truly does make it easier to make the changes to become healthier! I like to call it falling in LOVE with myself! Once you learn to love yourself more than anyone else it becomes easier!